Fantasy Food

Key ingredients for your favorite meal unavailable? Improvise!

Inspired by a geeky thought-experiment, trying to recreate an infamously bad recipe from my novel, I present to you the exclusive recipe for “Wanderer’s Way Stew.”

The following recipe will feed 4-6 average sized humanoids. Scale up as appropriate.

Cooking tools: Sharp knife, spoon, dagger, sword (optional)
Ingredients:

8 Cups eel broth (it’s fine to include any non-spoiled eel entrails as well for extra protein)
2-3 Tubers (crimson tubers yield best flavor, but any local, edible tuber, such as sweet potatoes will suffice)
2 Cups of local (edible) mushrooms
2 Onions
2-3 Cloves of garlic
Handful of marshweed stalks (may be substituted with asparagus or celery if unavailable)
2 Cups of grade C caprid milk (may be substituted with the milk of any locally available domesticated mammal)
1/2 Cup of flour
Tubers provide the carbs you need for an active lifestyle

Garlic: wards off vampires. Onions: wards off amorous advances.
Preparation:
Safety first! Remember to equip a dagger prior to any foray into the root cellar to defend yourself against giant rats, and for gathering in woods or marshes, a sword or crossbow may be advisable.
Simmer eel broth in a large, clean kettle. Note: witches kettles are not recommended due to cross-contamination and unpredictable magic effects.
Slice onions and garlic and add to broth.
Fancy-pants tip: If you have access to a saucepan and food grade eel oil*, fry the onions and garlic first, to obtain flavor.
Cut away any visible mold from tubers and inspect for worms. Dice and add to broth, stirring frequently until the tubers are slightly soft.
Wash and slice marshweed stalks and mushrooms, and add to broth.
Slowly stir in flour (sift first to remove maggots) and milk. Salt to taste.
Fancy-pants tip: Decadent establishments with access to herbs or spices may consider adding a pinch of dried thyme or other locally available spices.**
Best served warm. Unlike revenge.
Fresh marshweed stalks: A touch of green that’s not mold!

 

*Establishments catering to trolls or goblins may safely substitute lamp-grade eel oil.
**We at the Wanderer’s Way are reluctant to include herbs and spices, to avoid upsetting the digestive system of certain species that patronize the establishment. It has nothing to do with cost concerns. Really.

Stew! A delicious (or at least edible) treat
2 Comments
    • D. H. Willison March 27, 2020 – 11:49 pm

      I suppose it depends on how difficult the bones are to obtain. Dragon bones are more trouble than they’re worth.

      Reply

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